Accommodation Fatigue: Do You Relate?

This post is written for the family members, partners, and friends of individuals living with severe anxiety disorders and OCD.

If this is you, you have likely witnessed the immense suffering of someone you deeply love. Anxiety and OCD can slowly shape a person into someone almost unrecognizable. Watching this transformation is heartbreaking. And at some point, it’s natural to find yourself wondering: How did this happen?

What Are Accommodations?

Accommodations are behaviors that others engage in to prevent or reduce the anxiety a person with OCD or an anxiety disorder experiences. These behaviors are most often carried out by caregivers, partners, and family members—but even counselors and therapists can unintentionally accommodate.

Accommodations almost always begin with good intentions.
And almost always end the same way: increased dependency and more anxiety.

You may watch your loved one engage in repetitive behaviors, striving to achieve the same outcome over and over again…tying their shoe, opening the door, turning off the stove. You notice their growing doubt about whether they did it “just right.” Concerned, you step in. You offer reassurance. You complete the task for them. You provide a solution.

And instead of relief, the anxiety intensifies.

Or perhaps you’ve become the primary reassurance provider, the protector. When you see your loved one exhausted, overwhelmed, or emotionally distressed, you feel responsible. You work tirelessly to reduce their discomfort: repeating comforting phrases, lowering expectations, lightening their load, and sometimes sacrificing your own activities, enjoyment, or career to keep the distress at bay.

The Cost of Accommodating

I want to pause here to say this clearly: your response makes sense.

Over time—just like your loved one—you begin to feel the exhaustion set in. Not only have they lost pieces of their identity to anxiety, but you may feel the same happening to you. Your patience wears thin. You find yourself reacting in ways that don’t align with who you are. You swing between over-accommodating and deep frustration—sometimes even refusing to do any more at all.

Tension builds. The relationship begins to fracture. You feel lost and unsure how to help.

What’s happening is something we call a parallel process.

Just as your loved one is engaging in repetitive behaviors to achieve a sense of safety or certainty, you are doing the same; trying again and again to relieve their distress. And the outcome mirrors theirs: more anxiety, more fatigue, and a shrinking life.

Months—or even years—later, you may find yourself wondering:
How did I get here? And is there a way out—for them, and for me?

There Is Hope

The purpose of this post is to normalize, validate, and instill hope.

Accommodations play a significant role in maintaining anxiety, which is why there are evidence-based treatments specifically designed to address them. One such approach focuses on helping parents and caregivers change their responses—without requiring the anxious individual to participate directly in treatment. See (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions SPACE) for helpful resources and information.

The goal is not to be cold or withholding.
The goal is to be supportive without reinforcing anxiety.

A Few Considerations as You Begin

You are not a bad parent, partner, or support person.
Doing the “right” thing often doesn’t feel right. That discomfort is frequently where people get stuck. How do you know if you’re actually helping?

Here are a few guiding principles:

Respond with empathy first

When anxiety is activated, logic isn’t accessible. The brain is responding as if there is a massive threat—whether or not one exists. Problem-solving, reasoning, or teaching in these moments often backfires. Empathy helps regulate before anything else can happen.

Avoid removing all accommodations at once

Accommodations didn’t develop overnight, and removing them abruptly can be overwhelming. Gradual change is key. Consulting with a trained professional can help you develop a thoughtful, sustainable plan.

Compassion doesn’t mean compliance

You don’t have to agree to new accommodations—but you can respond with curiosity and care. For example:

“I worry that answering this question repeatedly feeds your anxiety. I’m going to pause before responding because I believe you are capable of handling the feelings that come up.”

This approach communicates belief in their resilience rather than fear of their discomfort.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

In addition to working directly with individuals struggling with OCD and anxiety, I also support families and partners in navigating the accommodation reduction process. Ideally, this work is collaborative and aligned with the individual’s treatment—but in some cases, support for family members must happen separately when participation is limited or progress feels stalled.

Change is possible—for your loved one and for you.